Something was wrong; I could sense that much but it wasn’t until Alabama began to run her fingers through my hair that I finally figured out what it was. I felt my limbs go rigid as every muscle in my body suddenly tensed up at once.

“FUCK!” I screamed as I scrambled to my feet and flipped on the overhead light to reveal a completely naked Alabama lying in my bed.

“Nothing that you complained about last night.” Alabama’s tone was playful and she winked as she said this, as if she thought it somehow answered my question.

Any sane person would’ve probably given up online dating altogether by this point but, on the other hand, soul-crushing loneliness can be a powerful motivator

“You left the window in your den unlocked,” Alabama responded, answering in the slow matter-of-fact tone one reserved for only the stupidest of questions. “Why didn’t YOU answer when I called?”

“You told me to give you a call later and when I did, you didn’t answer. I texted you like ten times.”

“THIS!” I used both arms to gesture wildly at her lying in my bed. “ALL of this is upsetting me!”

She quickly climbed out of my bed and began to collect her clothes. When Alabama was finally dressed, I walked her out into the den and then watched as she stomped over to the front door and yanked it open. She turned back to scowl at me as she started to leave and shouted, “And for future reference, don’t tell someone to call you later if you’re just going to ignore them when they do! It’s fucking rude!”

After enough coaxing from Elisha (who was the self-proclaimed “Queen of Trolling for Internet Ass”) and assurances that they weren’t all THAT crazy, I ended up exchanging messages with a girl named Kat who seemed genuinely awesome

SLAM! She swung the door shut with enough force to knock my framed A Nightmare on Elm Street poster off of the wall and then stormed away into the night. After that, I made sure to lock the living room window she had come in through and then double-checked the ones in the bathroom and my bedroom before finally climbing back into bed, where I spent the next five sleepless hours watching shadows dance across the ceiling and waiting for the sunrise.

That was a hundred percent my fault and I’m sorry. It was all just a stupid miscommunication combined with the fact that I really like you. Again, from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was make you mad at me.

Dominikaanit posti morsiamet

Of course, I didn’t respond. Eventually, I had the bright idea to simply block her number and felt immensely better when it was done. Still, I didn’t sleep for a good day or so afterward and it took me close to a month to build up the courage to check my OKCupid inbox again.

The first thing that drew me to her was the Sylvia Plath quote at the top of her profile (“Kiss me and you’ll know how important I am[…]”) and so I sent Kat a DM saying that her quote was a good one but that my all-time favorite Plath line was:

And because quoting poetry is and will always be the ultimate panty-dropper, we were soon making plans to go out later that week. The first date went really well. Not only was Kat attractive and well-read but she also had the cutest English bulldog I had ever seen.