Being Non-Binary Complicates My Dating Life — But I’ll Never Be Ashamed Of Who I Am
Let your gender flag fly.
Anyone who knows me knows how much I love to wear makeup. What began a few years ago as a simple desire to cover up skin imperfections has now become one of my favorite forms of artistic and personal expression.
What I didn’t realize was the profound effect that heavier makeup and colorful clothes would have on my self-perception, and consequently, others’ perceptions of me.
When I began coming to terms with my genderqueer identity two years ago, makeup and clothing became my natural ways of presenting a truer version of myself in public and alleviating any dysphoria that I felt.
At gay bars and drag shows, girls (usually there with their gay male friends) tell me how great I look by enthusiastically saying things like “yas!” and “work!” Other times, I don’t earn more than a displeased stare from someone across the bar or mocking laughter on the dance floor.
From my experience, gay men overwhelmingly prefer masculine people when looking for Mr. Right, and especially for Mr. Right Now.
So the more I used cosmetics and clothing as my personal pieces of armor, the more I noticed the gay community’s upsetting femmephobia problem – usually surfacing with unkind messages on Grindr.
Being confident is an undoubtedly sexy quality in anyone, so why did it feel like I was being punished for it?
Genderqueer performance artist and author Travis Alabanza beautifully captured this paradox that people like me face. “Some people’s relationship to gender non-conforming femininity is one of both desire and distance,” he explained.
In other words, we may be loved for the fabulous image we give off, but interest in ourselves and our bodies generally ends there.
“I learned quickly that being desired was conditional, and if I strayed too far from gendered expectations, my experience of dating would severely change,” Alabanza continued. “It felt like, with each application of makeup or feminine-coded item of clothing I wear (like a skirt) – the more visibly out of the male/female binary I present – the further people stray from desiring me.”